The Labyrinth

Fanfic: Mad Paths Part 1

2008-08-31T03:37:27Z

Man I was suppose to have things up ages ago, but as always Real Life (that beloved malicious creature we all experience) intervened in the form of kids, Social Security, Financial Aid, fanfic (LOTS AND LOTS), and writer's block. But anyway, here I am. As promised with a new story.

Now, this isn't my usual type of story. For one there is NO MPREG. None at all. No hints, no suggestions, or anything. Secondly, this story is TRAGEDY. I rarely mark my fics as such but this is one of them.

This is part one of three or four parts. None are particularly long either. So if you want to read it. Go for it cause I'm not putting this up on FF.net anytime soon.

As always this is HP fanfic and no Rowlings, I don't forgive you for fucking Severus over until the end.

Mad Paths

Author: Alia

Part: 1/1

Rating: R

Pairing: Harry Potter x Severus Snape

Summary: Harry tries to find answers but finds more problems.

Warnings: slash, angst, character death

Spoilers: Let’s just say the series

Disclaimers: After this? You shouldn’t even have to ask.

Author’s notes: This evolved from another one of my rather fucked up dreams. There is no reason to pussyfoot about any of it. That’s just what it was. It may have been a bit more structured than ‘A Slight Identity Crisis’ but not by much. It may have even been brought on by more dairy products (two bowls of cereal) but we just don’t know now do we? But who cares? This turned a bit…disturbing to me in my head. I can only hope that I’ll have the capability of allowing you to see what I saw. So here we go.

Mad Paths

"God Damn It, Albus!" snarled Harry as he glared heatedly at the older man with darkened green eyes. His fists were clenched tightly at his sides while he watched the older man calmly take another sip of his tea as he sat behind his desk. /Keep it up. I’ll shove that tea cup down your throat!/

Dumbledore’s sharp blue eyes could see the barely controlled violence in his former student’s body. Harry was fighting tooth and nail to hold onto his temper, but Albus wasn’t sure how much longer the younger man was going to be able to take it.

Harry bit his inner cheek harshly enough that he could taste just a small drop of blood slip from the self-made wound. He could feel his nails dig farther into his hands but stopped them from breaking the skin, not wanting Dumbledore to see just how far into his rage he was.

Unfortunately, the Headmaster wasn’t making things any better for Harry with his vague answers, dismissals, and swift changes in subject. It only flamed Harry’s already heated emotional state. /As long as I’ve waited for answers, he does this! I can’t believe it!/

Harry wanted to destroy something. He wanted to rip something, beat something, cause pain even… Harry wanted to tear Dumbledore’s office apart. Hell, if he could get away with it, he felt like blowing the entire fucking school straight to hell. With the old bastard inside preferably.

"Harry, my boy-,"

"Don’t you ‘My boy’ me old man," Harry said, not bothering to be respectful anymore. He was sick of being respectful. It certainly didn’t get him anywhere. "Let me do what I have to do. I deserve answers and I’m sick and tired of you putting me off!"

Dumbledore put his tea aside and leaned forward in his chair. Propping his elbows up on the desk, Albus steeped his fingers together in front of his lips as he looked at the younger wizard standing before his desk. "It is not as easy as you think it is, Harry. I cannot grant your request."

"Why not?!" yelled Harry as he roughly grabbed a handful of his dark hair in each hand in complete frustration. Taking a deep breath that he could feel all to the bottom of his lungs, Harry turned back to look at Dumbledore. "Why can’t I see him? You know I need to find out what happened. And I know damn well that you don’t know or you would have told the Order."

"It is as I said, Harry," said Dumbledore, who dropped his hands. The familiar twinkle in his weary eyes was long gone. "Your request cannot be granted. Things have happened that are beyond my control. You cannot see him."

"Albus, quit giving me a bunch of watered down explanations and give me some honest facts!"

The older wizard just stared at him. "No." He continued before Harry could voice a protest. "I have told you once and I shall tell you again, you cannot see him. He is still gravely ill."

"I thought you told Moody that he’d woken up."

Albus frowned. "You were not privy to that information."

Harry snorted and crossed his arms. "Well it’s too late for that. Now tell me if I’m wrong."

"You are correct," Dumbledore said hesitantly.

"Then why can’t I see him? A real explanation."

"Because he isn’t fit to question yet."

Harry sighed in relief, relaxing slightly. /Finally, I’m getting some real answers./ Harry was certain that Dumbledore would only make things worse for him and make them go back and forth with questions and ambiguous answers. "And do you know when he will be available for questioning."

"Yes," said Albus, but the man’s voice caught Harry’s attention. Something was very shifty about it.

"When?" demanded Harry, suddenly back on edge.

Dumbledore gave him a straight look. "Never." The old man then smiled sweetly at Harry and picked up his tea.

Harry’s eyes widened with shock but only for a moment before the younger man took a step forward ready to throttle the old man. /I DON’T BELIEVE THIS./ Thankfully his control snapped back into place a moment later. Harry gritted his teeth so harshly that he was sure Dumbledore could hear them grinding.

He wasn’t sure why the older man was doing this to him but he was certainly enjoying it. Harry, however, was growing more and more sick of it and of Dumbledore. "Why not?" Harry also found that he was sick of asking the question repeatedly like some out of control two-year-old child.

"Because he is ill and unfit to speak to anyone. Severus will not yield us any information, Harry."

A look of disgust crossed Harry’s face. "Why? Your pet Death Eater change on us at the last moment?" The moment he said it and saw Dumbledore freeze, Harry wished he could take it back. Not for Snape’s sake, but Dumbledore’s. "Albus-,"

The older man threw him a small smile. "I believe that is all for today, Harry. I have quite a bit of work to do."

Harry’s more negative emotions rose again. "Is that what happened?" he snapped angrily. "If so then why are you protecting him? I know the man is supposed to be your favorite rehabilitation project-,"

"If you are quite done." It was said in a cool, clipped tone and Harry wondered why that little voice of self preservation that was suppose to be in the back of his head hadn’t risen. What he didn’t realize was that it had never really been there.

Dumbledore stood and gave Harry a look that had no real emotion to it. "You will not be seeing Severus, Mr. Potter." Harry flinched. "And that is my final say on the matter. Good day."

Harry opened his mouth to speak but then closed it with a heavy sigh. He turned toward the door and left the Headmaster’s office.

@@@@@

/It may be your final say on the matter, Dumbledore, but it sure as hell isn’t mine./ Harry thought with a smirk as he quickly, but silently, made his way to the hospital wing.

It had been three months since the final battle between the 'Light' and 'Dark' forces of Wizarding Britain. Voldemort, being the drama queen that he was, had planned the battle to occur Halloween night. He and a large gathering of his followers had crossed over onto Hogwarts' grounds after dismantling the wards.

The only reason it hadn't been an absolute massacre was Severus Snape's quick information to the Order of the Phoenix and the Ministry of Magic. Children had been swiftly removed from the school as aurors and Order members hid amongst the school and it's grounds. The Gryffindor Trio as well as Dumbledore's Army had stayed behind to fight with many seventh and sixth years from ALL houses.

After the wards fell and the Death Eaters attacked, it was realized rather quickly that the Light was winning. But then things of course went, as some say, pear shaped.

Voldemort had grabbed Bellatrix and after pulling the woman against his body, the self proclaimed Slytherin heir slit her throat. Smirking at the chaotic battle befored him, the Dark Lord had begun chanting in another dialect. Even as the blood spurted from her neck to run down her bare throat to her clothes, Bella smiled. A minute later she was dead on the ground, her stupid grin still in position on her face.

Dumbledore had realized that something was wrong when a strange glowing green gas started making it's way toward the aurors and Order members. One by one, fighters of the light suddenly stopped fighting, frozen in movement. The Death Eaters quickly took advantage of Voldemort's spell and began torturing and killing those unable to defend themselves.

Those fighting against You Know Who had no choice but to move back closer to the school and fight from a distance than up close. It helped the Death Eaters as some spells were either off in precision or were too far away to strike them down. They started gaining on their slowly panicking opposition.

What no one paid attention to until the last minute was that two members of the Order were not pushed back like their comrades. Harry Potter and Severus Snape were both marked by Voldemort. Harry as his equal and Severus as his servant.

The two men gave each other a short nod before both headed toward the Dark Lord walking side by side. Using the green mist as a cover, they quickly moved deeper into the Death Eaters' territory, taking out the masked figures as they continued.

Voldemort was going deeper into his chant, not realizing that he wasn't protected and that a few of his Death Eaters were no longer able to fight. He did realize that there was a problem until Bellatrix's dead body went up in flames before him. The mist disappeared almost instantly and the warriors of the Light rushed back into action as the Death Eaters were taken by surprise.

Unfortunately for Harry, that was all he remembered. After Snape torched Lestrange's body, Harry's memory cut off as he and Voldemort raised their wands. All Harry knew was that he woke up at the end of the battle with Voldemort's body melting away on the ground, his own body covered with lacerations, bruises, and three broken ribs, and Snape laying far away from him unconscious against a tree of the Forbidden Forest.

No one else had seen what happened, not that they cared. Voldemort was finally dead after all. But it pissed Harry off to no end that he couldn't remember what had happened.

At first he'd been assured by Madam Pomfrey and other healers that his memory would return to him. But as weeks went by he realized that it wasn't going to happen. Harry had been tested for memory charms or magical anomalies but nothing had been found.

It had been soon after that he realized that only one person saw what happened and possibly remembered. It was Snape. Snape, who had been in a coma since that day.

And Harry needed to know what happened. It drove him nearly mad that he didn't know just what he'd done to cause the red eyed bastard to melt like that. People were constantly asking him questions and lately the Ministry was getting impatient for answers. Not that they would ever do anything if he never did respond. He simply wanted to.

Harry grinned triumphantly as he finally made his way to the entrance of the infirmary. He'd seen Madam Pomfrey leaving the ground with Professor McGonagal. He'd overheard the two women talking about a short excursion to Diagon Alley. If Harry guested correctly, he had about an hour before they returned. At least he hoped he did.

/Plenty of time to talk to the greasy old bat./ Harry thought as he entered the infirmary with a light of success in his eyes. Biting his lips nervously, he quickly closed the door behind him, making as little noise as he possibly could. He didn't want to alert Snape or anyone that could be inside that he was in the infirmary. Harry had a feeling that the meeting he had with Dumbledore would be a cake walk compared to what would happen if the old wizard found him trying to get information out of Snape.

Harry had to admit that he was surprised that Dumbledore hadn't gotten all the information he wanted out of Snape already. The Headmaster was usually a very determined individual and not one to let a coma stop him from getting answers. /So why doesn't he know what happened?/ Because Harry was completely sure that Dumbledore didn't know.

Green eyes moved slowly around the familiar surroundings. Harry could see that the light filled room was empty except for the beds lining the wall. /So where is he?/ Stepping further inside, Harry didn't see Snape at all. There was no sign that the man had been in the infirmary. The bed were all fresh and Harry saw no evidence of anyone sleeping inside.

Harry's head turned to observe the small rooms in the back of the infirmary that were sometimes used for more private or long-term patients. Ron had once jokingly told him that Harry deserved one of those with his name on the door. The youngest male Weasley had also told his friend that considering how much time Harry spent in the infirmary, he earned that much.

Harry hadn't found it funny at all then or now. And he certainly wasn't pleased to discover that none of the rooms were occupied. Snape wasn't in the infirmary.

/Was Dumbledore telling the truth?/ Harry asked himself. /Or has Snape left on his own?/ The potions master could have slipped out after Pomfrey had left Hogwarts. From what Harry knew, the man should be physically fine.

Grinding his teeth in frustration, Harry wondered if he was going to have to go down into the dungeons to find Snape's rooms. It would only be one big problem if he did. Especially considering that he didn't know where they were and he would have to use his map. Which he had to find.

"Shit," Harry muttered angrily under his breath. /Where the hell is he?/

"Might I remind you not to use that kind of language in the infirmary, Mr. Potter."

Harry swept around with his wand in hand ready to hex anyone stupid enough to sneak up on him only to come face to face with the very person he was looking for.

Glaring at his with clear irritation in his onyx eyes was Severus Snape. The man had on a simple black robe that was much different from his usual cut. He wore his usual footwear that were barely seen considering the robe's length.

His black hair was clean, much to Harry's surprise, and contained none of the tangles or oil that he expected to see. It looked a little longer than usual and was actually tied back away from his face.

Harry was a little confused when he noticed that Snape was wearing a plain white apron over his clothing but he quickly shook it off and looked closer at the scowling figure before him.

Snape appeared to be rather healthy. The man had some actual color in his face for once in his life that didn't appear because of one of his raw emotions. His teeth were actually clean by some miracle and Harry could see no residual scars that he remembered the older wizard having after he had awoken.

And suddenly, Harry didn't know what to say now that he came face to face with the man. Demanding anything from Snape would be like pulling teeth. He wouldn't get anything done, and all Harry would be left with is a lot of pain for his troubles.

"Um..." The Boy Who Lived looked around dumbly before clearing his throat. "Uh...Snape?"

Snape's expression didn't lighten at all, not that Harry expected it, but actually grew darker. "Mr. Potter, didn't the Headmaster give you any information about-,"

"I know, I know!" Harry said, raising his hands out before him in a defensive manner before dropping them a moment later. "But I really need to know what happened! Everyone needs that information."

"Well, I'm sorry, but you just aren't going to be able to get it." Scowling, Snape turned and headed toward Pomfrey's office.

"What?" cried Harry as he quickly rushed up behind the man. Grabbing Snape's arm, Harry turned him roughly around to face him.

Snape's eyes widened in shock as his saw Harry's angry face and he began struggling to pull his thin arm away. "Mr. Potter, get your hands off of me this minute!"

"Not until you tell me what I want to know!" Yelled Harry as he only tightened his grip.

"I don't know anything! Now release me!" Seeing that he was being denied what he wanted after so long caused Harry's anger to grow.

The Gryffindor slammed the potions master roughly into the wall, causing Severus to cry out in a terrified fear. Squeezing the appendage in his arm even tighter than before, Harry leaned into Snape's face and snarled angrily. The potions master stared back at him with wide terrified eyes and cringed back against the wall.

"You listen to me you son of a bitch! You are going to tell me what happened! Do you hear me?" Harry screamed in the man's face, shaking him. "I've waited long enough! You know what happened, Snape! Tell me what happened!"

"HARRY JAMES POTTER!" roared a furious Albus Dumbledore as he came storming into the infirmary. The old wizard rushed forward and dragged Harry back by his collar away from the trembling potions master.

Snape continued to cringe against the wall as Harry jerked away from Dumbledore and faced the older wizard with a dark glare. "He knows, Dumbledore," snarled Harry in a soft vibrating voice. "And there is no fucking way I'm going to let Snape keep something so important away from me."

Dumbledore stared coldly at Harry in a manner the younger wizard would never admit, sent cold shivers down his spine. The Headmaster looked as if he wanted to rip Harry's stupid head off his shoulders. "I told you once, and I will tell you again, Mr. Potter. Professor Snape is unable to supply you with any information."

Harry smirked. "Give me a few more minutes and we'll see about that."

Snape suddenly stood from the wall with a glare. "Haven't you heard a word that the Headmaster has said to you, Mr. Potter? Professor Snape can't tell you anything!"

Harry's mind practically blinked in surprise, finely tuned to his eyes. Because he certainly could not believe what he had just heard. "Excuse me?" Harry found himself growing angrier by the minute. There was no way he was going to sit here and let Snape fuck with his mind.

Snape continued to glare although he did slowly move closer to the Headmaster. Albus gave the wizard beside him a sad look as Snape continued. "Professor Snape is incapacitated and has been since the final battle. I'll be damned if I have you trying to harass Severus when he can't even answer."

Harry stared almost blankly at the dark wizard. He couldn't quite help himself especially since Snape wasn't the type of man you would expect to talk about himself in the third person.

Turning his back on Harry, Snape turned to Albus, who smiled sadly. "Albus, I don't know what you have to do, but Harry Potter is not allowed in my infirmary. Understand?"

Dumbledore looked pained as he nodded and answered. "I understand, Madam Pomfry." Ignoring the strangle gasp from Harry, he asked. "Will you be getting some rest in the meantime. Before you check on Severus?"

Snape frowned before sighing and nodding. "Yes. But only for a little while. If you'll excuse me." Throwing a scowl in Harry's direction, Snape stomped towards the private rooms in the back.

Albus watched the door to the private room closed before turning empty eyes to face a gobsmacked Harry Potter.

"What..?" Harry swallowed before beginning again. "What the hell?"

"As you can see, Severus is ill, Harry. He is unable to tell you anything because he doesn't know anything. Not even himself."

@@@@@@@

"No one knows what happened, Harry. No one but Severus of course, but because of his instability, no answers can be extracted from him in any manner."

Harry was once more in Dumbledore's office but this time the office held a different sort of tension than it did before. Dumbledore looked sad and defeated sitting in his chair this time, and Harry.... Harry wasn't sure how he felt or how he should feel as he learned the truth of the situation.

"I'm sure you know how we all found you after the fight with Voldemort?"

"A head injury?" Harry asked after a moment of contemplation.

Dumbledore shook his head. "Severus was not so lucky." Harry shivered.

"What's wrong with him then?"

"We don't know. Severus was brought to the infirmary after he was found and cared for by Madam Pomfry." Albus quieted. "He attacked her the first time he woke up. When help arrived they were also assaulted. Severus nearly managed to kill one of them with wandless magic." The old wizard sighed heavily, unknowingly gaining Harry's sympathy. "When I arrived to assist, things did not get better. The problem actually got a lot worse."

He laughed painfully. "Severus tried to slit my throat with a scalpel. Luckily I was able to restrain him with magic long enough for him to be sedated."

Harry tightened his hands around the cooling tea cup in his hands and wished it was scalding hot once more. He wanted something to distract him from the devastating impact of the situation being laid out before him.

"When the sedative wore off, he slept for a few days, only waking up at night from bad dreams. Then he would go back to sleep. It was only when he finally woke that morning that we knew there was a real problem."

"Which was?" Harry asked not wanting the Headmaster to stop.

"It seems that Severus has completely lost his personality. He isn't Severus Snape anymore Harry. He's whoever he is exposed to the most. Such as Pomfry, Professor McGonagal. Even myself." Albus looked down at his hands. "I suppose. You could think of it as Severus being dead. He no longer exists."

TBC

Alia: So?...

Another year gone

2008-08-01T04:50:05Z

GOD! It's been such a long time since I've posted but I've been busy. Since today is my birthday, I thought I'd post.

RL hates me. It has to because writing and ideas are there but time never is. I'm also becoming too interested in other people's stuff then my own. Also, it's like my brain can't think the way that it used to. I blame the depression. They should do a study.

I've also gotten very involved with Sims 2 in the last year. Of course most of my sims are guys but that's a freaking given. I'll be buying Sims 2 nightlife and apartments soon. Sims 3 will just have to wait. Cause screw that.

I've decided to annouce that I'm getting back to my snippet series and that I'll be doing a story here and only on livejournal. Don't worry, I should have it out sometime this week if Financial Aid doesn't rear their ugly head again. And please don't ask what it's about. I won't tell ya.

So. That's it. Oh and I never finished the Gothic Lolita dress. I still hope though.

Alia

Oh smack!

2008-02-19T12:26:15Z

*looks around* It's happening again. The...thing... You know. It's coming back. Tiredness, anxiety.... It's coming back. The -well I'm not hurting myself but I'm getting frustrated easily. Scary.

I don't need this crap right now. Especially since I've somehow hurt my back and it's taking away my damn concentration in everything. I'm scared that I'm falling back into my old habits. I'm so screwed that it's not even funny.

Good thing is, I'm starting group therapy this week. Bad thing, my depression is returning, I'm starting to fall behind in classes, I don't have medicine for my back or the fucking depression. So not exactly of the good.

The story ideas are coming though. I had a good idea but...I don't know. I think I might just do the two stories. I actually have an idea for a rare Naruto pairing (meaning I have to get rid of what I tried already) and I'm thinking of changing my HP mpreg. I don't know. We'll see.

So...pray for me. *sobs*

Where am I going? ... Hell if I know. I'm happy though.

2008-01-16T01:46:31Z

Okay, so Dell still hasn't fixed my computer and it's actually not their fault this time. The tech hasn't called me even though he says he has. So my boyfriend, aka my laptop, is being propped up with my computer bag right now. But it still works even though the screen won't stand on it's own.

Financial aid is riding my ass about what happened with my grades last semester but I don't give a damn. I'm gonna get those dorks to do what they need to do and handle my business. I have to do this semester right.

I'm trying to get a foothold in my writing but it's not all that easy. Each time I get the urge to write it tries to jump ship on me but I am trying. I am writing the next chapter for weird as well as meddling with the next chapter of Silver Heart and my HP mpreg. Problem is I'm having doubts about the Harry Potter mpreg. But I guess, I'll go ahead with things the way I have them. If I change my mind later, I'll either revamp the story or do an alternate version.

For those that read my stuff, I think I might have a treat for you guys. Don't know if it'll work though. We'll find out. *smirks*

Now I'm back to work with writing. I feel so better after making my Sim turn gay. LOL

I do this to myself....

2007-12-28T17:33:54Z

I'd write some woeful thing about how I'm miserable and how life sucks and how I did all this shit to myself and all... But right now, I'm too tired to write or even give a proper damn. I had a quick moment of wanting to curl up in a ball, and die after screaming fuck the world but... that pass rather quickly. So for now, I'm going to get the damn lights off the fucking Christmas tree and get some sleep. Maybe that will help.

Merry Christmas...zzz....

2007-12-25T11:26:26Z

Been so busy...

No time to write. Feet hurt all the time. Walmart is evil...pure EVIL. Dollar Tree is God. Gift Wrapping is evil too.

*sighs* Seriously though, I've barely had time to keep up with my damn medicine. I've been running around with my mom, my Grandma, my dad, my siblings (I love the brats...really I do), the damn dogs (if Jackson does that crying whine of his again. For God's sakes he's a grown DOG!), and my feet are always hurting.

Like every year before, big sister's closet is the hiding spot for everybody's Christmas stuff but hers. I bet if Santa went into my closet, he'd find stuff he hid in there! I'm done for the night though. Oliver (I take the time and name our Christmas and Thanksgiving turkeys) is out of the oven and resting on the stove (all 22 pounds of him). My siblings' toys are all wrapped and waiting thanks to big sis (and the fact that I still suffer from insomnia) and my parents things are out there too. Lord, only knows what I'm getting for Christmas. Probably nothing. Can't even be mad about it.

I'd talk about school but to hell with that. Why depress myself...more than usual anyway.

I have been thinking about a GW fic though and something for KH. Also I wonder about fics that I never intend to do. I wonder if I should write down at least the scenes that drive me freaking bonkers. Stupid crossovers.

Anyway, maybe I'll write back later at a decent time.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone. If you have to work, prank your co-workers and have a good evening.

I'm back on FF.NET!

2007-12-10T03:22:20Z

So I posted two things on ff.net today. I posted the first chapter of Silver Heart (damn it I need a better title!) and the ninth installment of 'Expecting the Absolute Weirdest'. I'm quite happy to get that last one out. I'm gonna work on the next chapter of Silver Heart and my mpreg. I keep thinking about Second Chances though. I think I have ideas on where I want to go with that. I have plenty of ideas. Just not enough time to write it all. Crap. I have to take my medicine. I wish I was a cartoon sometimes.

Not bad old girl, not bad.

2007-12-06T08:39:46Z

So academically, my life is going down the drain. Personally...I plan to go out drinking again this weekend. Maybe a movie with Stacie too. Mentally....well it's like Academics. Work is great even when I don't check my emails. Writing is getting good and getting better.

I have the next two chapters nearly summarized for my HP mpreg that I don't remember the title to while I'm writing this. I should have it out sometime this weekend hopefully. It's begging me to write it. I can't stop myself. It's worse than TTS (Time, Truth, and Sacrifice). I might even have something for Raven's Gift (don't hold your breath). So wish me luck.

Oh and Walmart is evil. Fight the MAN!!!

I'm not an alcoholic, but I'm happy.

2007-12-02T03:30:29Z

Okay, so it's been such a bad week that I don't want to talk about it even here. But I will say thanks to my girl Stacie for taking me out drinking this weekend. I just got back actually and I'm not nearly as drunk as I wish I was, even after three strong Long Island Teas. I'm in a pretty good mood though and a wee bit tired.

Anyway, sometime this week, I'm going to try and have another chapter of my HP story out. Also, I'm thinking about a mpreg for Kingdom Hearts. (Man, it's wild that I can feel the alcohol working) It popped up in my head and I was wondering about the idea. I still haven't come up with a clear decision yet. I'll just have to keep thinking about it.

New Fic: Untitled Naruto (may change later)

2007-11-15T21:54:45Z

This has been on private for a week or so.

Well the antidepressants must be doing something right. I'm feeling...okay I guess. I'm not as screwed up as before although I still don't like taking these damn things. I'm still having a lot of bad days with the same emotional feelings and ideas, but things are nowhere near as bad as they were before. I can pick dinner and be around people. I've been in a good mood lately even when I think about classes.

I've also been able to write more lately. I don't know how this is going to affect my fics that are pre-depression but I'm getting new ideas and playing in other things.

This is an idea I have for Naruto. I may put it up on FF.net just to see the reaction I get to it but right now I'm not too certain of anything. Now for anyone reading this: PICK ME A TITLE!!!

And ignore any misspellings! I need a BETA!!!

Title: Untitled
Author: AliaD
Fandom: Naruto
Rating: PG13 (it might go up. I don't know who the pairing is!)
Warnings: language, blood, violence (it hurts not to put yaoi/slash)
Spoilers: Let's just say all of Naruto
Summary: When Tsunade leaves on a diplomatic visit, a few angry counsel members target something precious to her in revenge. Kyuubi reacts in response causing a strange, yet painful series of events.
Notes: Yes I know what happened to the child molester (Orochimaru) and that just seems...anticlimatic. And I couldn't care less about Akatsucki...uh Akatsuki. Sorry my finger slipped. But I need villains so here we go!
Untitled

The cloaked figured walked slowly down the worn road. He was rather eager to get back to his family but at the same time, he found himself rather apprehensive. The tall man tried to keep his nervous behavior hidden and with his hood up, it was rather easy. Unfortunately, his restless hands gave him away.

"Never liked it when you stopped to think, brat. It always gets you into trouble."

The man glared at his older companion. "There's nothing wrong with being concerned. Besides, this is my son's life at stake." He frowned and moved his gaze back toward the road before him. It wouldn't be much longer until he was home.

"The kid will be fine. You worry too much."

"I have reasons to. Besides, the last time I thought he'd be safe, he was nearly killed."

The older man winced at that before lifting a hand to tug sharply at his own white hair. He would never forget the guilt and shame he felt for not being there. If it wasn't for the boy's father...

"I..." The man stopped and raised a hand to his face. His fingers touched a warm porcelain mask. It was beautiful mixture of dark colors. Small risings of depicted whiskers and fur had been done beautifully. It often intimidated those he was forced to fight when he wore his mask.

"Look, kid." The older man sighed and looked up at the sky. "I know you're worried, but no one knows anything about your son. They don't know you either. The three of you will be fine."

He dropped his hand from his mask. "I can only hope so. I should have just taken them to Sand."

"But you'd prefer the boy was a Konoha nin, eh?" The white haired man actually paused to strike a pose with a smug grin. "Where you will find only the best-,"

"And apparently quite a few emotionally scarred," mumbled the younger man. He knew he was being biased but those bastards that he'd once been loyal too had attacked his family.

"Nin in the world!" he continued, ignoring the other man's comment entirely.

"He has a perfectly good teacher at home. I still don't know how I let you convince me to take them back, Ero-sennin."

The man blinked before striking the back of the man's head. The other was quick, however, even for the older nin and moved quickly out of the way. "BRAT QUICK CALLING ME THAT!!!"

The man smirked and knew the older man could see it, even with the mask. "Ne, Ero-sennin. No reason to shout about it now."

Jiraiya glowered at his student. Well former student technically. There was nothing he really knew that he could teach the man. "Anyway, you know perfectly well why brat." He sighed as they continued their journey. "Akatsuki is finally on the move and running amock around the villages. They've already conquered Rock and now they're going after Wave Country." Jiraiya waved his hand around as he spoke the name of their current location.

The man nodded. He knew what was happening. He traveled often and realized that more and more of Akatsuki nin were planting themselves in as many different hidden villages as possible. From what he'd learned from a Sound nin turned Akatsuki he'd killed before meeting up with his old mentor, Mist would probably be the next village that they would infiltrate would go after. Especially since rumors of a tailed beast were heard there.

He scowled and increased his pace slightly eager to see his son and mate. He shook his head slightly at that. /Stop it. What have I told you about slipping words into my thoughts?/

(It's true, is it not?) Came a soft whisper from his mind. (Is that not your mate and pup waiting for you to return? Eagerly since you should never have left.)

/You know I had to go. We'd have no money if I didn't take these jobs./ It did worry him though, that one day he would take a village's S-Class mission and never see his family again. But it was a worry he had lived with for years. Although once it had been the other way around.

(I understand that you must do this to provide for your mate and pup, host. However, now is not the time to leave them alone. The demon hunters are after those like you and your son.)

/I know./ He thought quietly, and with a great deal of concern. He hadn’t wanted to leave either but he knew that this last mission would be able to settle them very comfortably in Konoha. He may not have to work as a nin if he didn’t want to. But the demon was certainly correct. With Akatsuki after tailed beasts, his entire family was in danger. They’d kill his lover to get to their child without thinking twice about it and although strong for his age, his son was no match against a fully trained S-Class missing nin. Especially powerful ones like the Uchiha and Akatsuki’s leader.

(Then act like a proper mate and protect!) The demon snarled. There was no anger in it, however, just emphasis. (When the fools come for you, you will have no problems with destroying them.)

He smirked darkly. /I don’t have a problem with that now./ He’d seen what was left of the last Jinchuriki. She’d only been a girl but that hadn’t stopped Akatsuki from extracting Nibi from Yugito. The entire business had sickened him and infuriated his own demon.

A content grumbled was all he receieved from his occupant as they finally reached their destination. Jiraiya yawned widely then grinned as he watched his younger companion hurry down the path toward the small house.

It was a traditional japanese abode with only one floor. It was small but with only three people living in it most of the year, it suited his friend's family perfectly.

"Planning on sneaking up on anyone?" asked the older nin. He rubbed his hands gleefully with a grin.

The masked man raised an eyebrown that couldn't be seen but was certainly felt by his sensei. "Trying to prevent ideas for the new book, Ero Sennin?"

An enraged, and at the same time embarassed, look crossed Jiraiya's face. "I don't know what you're talking about!" he screamed. "And I'm not afraid. You watch! My latest book with be the greatest yet!" He glowered. "Without your 'Little Lady's' type of work!"

Keeping his blue eyes focused on his house, he said, "'Little Lady'? I'll be sure to report that when we get in. And you were the one that issued the challenge. How were we suppose to know that he would do such a good job with one book? Besides, I think you're just jealous of a better writer."

(And yet you still go out when you could stay with your mate and help out with new...ideas.)

/Oh so you're a pervert too, hmm?/ Ignoring the snapped response he turned back to Jiraiya's yelling.

"What?!?!" Jiraiya started jumping up and down. Seeing the immature behavior of his old sensei caused the masked nin to sweatdrop. He shook his head as the other man continued. "The Great Toad Sennin is not afraid of your lover! We both know I'm the better writer of lust and love." He said 'lust' and 'love' with dramatic tones. Lust had an accompanying leer.

He stared at him. "Yes, of course you are," he said condescendingly.

"You BRAT!!!"

"TOU-SAN!!!"

The two nins turned to see a young boy, about seven years old, running toward them at full speed while leaving a swinging door behind him. "Tou-san you're back!" cried the boy.

Laughing, the man was more than ready to catch the boy as the child threw himself into the tall man's chest. He swung the boy once before settling him back to the ground. His smile widened when he received a warm hug around his legs and waist. "Does this mean you're happy to see me?" he asked playfully.

As his son nodded enthusiastically ("Believe it! I thought you'd never come home!"), another voice rose from the doorway of the small abode. "Both of us actually. You had us worried."

Jiraiya waved. "Oi, Iruka-sensei!"

Brushing his hands off on the old shirt he wore, Iruka smiled at the Sannin. "Jiraiya-sama. It's good to see you."

"Good to see you too." His face tightened and he forced a smile. "How is the new book coming?"

Ruffling his son's blonde hair, the masked nin walked up the steps toward Iruka with offspring following close behind. "Don't mind, Ero-Sennin, koi."

"OI!" Snapped Jiraiya. "What did I tell you about that?!"

Removing his mask, the man leaned forward and kissed Iruka. "He's just jealous that you did so well with your first book beat his record."

The little boy laughed and pointed at Jiraiya. "It's your fault, Ero-Sennin!"

"BRAT!" He rushed after the little boy, who unfortunately, was slowly inheriting is father's speed. "Don't call me that!"

"He's right! You were the one that started this book thing, old man!"

Jiraiya stopped chasing the child to shriek loudly. "I AM NOT OLD!!!"

Iruka sighed and poked his lover in the chest. Gaining the man's attention, the teacher buried his hand in his lover's blond locks and kissed him thoroughly. A hand slipped into his brown hair to angle Iruka's head for better access. After a few more moments the background noise caused the two to break away.

"You missed me too?" asked the blond. He darted a quick glance at his son. The boy was dangling in his sensei's arms, kicking at the old pervert furiously. Unfortunately, not one hit had landed.

Iruka pecked his cheek and wrapped his arms around the broad chest. "Yes. It's always been difficult keeping up with that kind of energy," he said nodding toward the yelling duo. "Things are easier when you're home."

"I can see that." He tilted his head as a hand played with Iruka's much longer hair. His other hand rubbed the chuunins's back although it still held his mask. "So how is the new book coming?" He smirked. "Need some inspiration?"

"And you call Jiraiya-sama a pervert," said Iruka with an amused look. He then frowned and turned toward the still fighting Sannin and child. "Naruto!"

The blond child froze, blue eyes staring up at the house. Behind him was Jiraiya, who was hopping around on one foot clutching his knees, screaming at the boy about assaulting his elders. "Yes, Kaa-san?"

The blonde tightened his hold on Iruka as the teacher took a moment to glower at a grimacing Jiraiya. He smirked. /Serves you right old man. I told you not to teach the boy that./ But did the pervert listen when he told him not to teach the infant Naruto to call Iruka Okaa-san? Of course not.

"What did I tell you about calling Jiraiya-sama that?"

The boy blinked. "Nani? Ero-Sannin? But Tou-san calls him that all the time! Why can't I?"

"Especially since it's true," finished the boy's father.

"OI!" Shouted a furious Jiraiya.

Iruka sighed as Naruto started jeering at the older man. He glared at the blond in his arms. "Arashi. Do you have to encourage him?"

"Of course. After all, this is all his fault." He scowled at his former sensei's back.

Iruka shook his head. "We need Konoha, Arashi. I don't want to return either. Especially after what happened but we need the extra protection. You and Naruto-kun are in danger."

"Yes. You're right." He kissed Iruka's forehead. "Now all we need to do is find out how to keep people from learning who we really are. If they know that you and Naruto are still alive, or worse yet if I'm alive..."

"Don't think too much about it. All of us will be fine. And after we tell Tsunade-sama, " Arashi winced, "or have Jiraiya-sama tell her," Arashi smiled, "we'll have a good deal of help and support in Konoha."

"I suppose so." He held Iruka tighter for a moment before letting go. "So, did you make some ramen tonight?"

Iruka took a step back and raised his hands to his ears. Damn the fact that his husband and child were ramen addicts. "Unfortunately, that was yesterday." Arashi shrugged. "And...well Naruto-kun is getting bigger..."

Dropping his wolf mask, Arashi's eyes widened before he ran into the house yelling, "NOOOOO!!! Naruto! You're grounded!"

Naruto turned to the house with a dropped jaw. "NANI?!"

TBC

Alia: Leave a comment okay. I'm trying!

Stupid Plotbunnies!

2007-11-12T18:13:56Z

I need help with something. Right now I have an idea that's been plaguing me for a while.

I have an idea, it's still pretty vague, about Naruto. Yeah I know. She's got another idea and hasn't finished the rest of her stories. Well kiss my ass if you don't like it okay.

Anyway, this one is begging to be written and won't get out of my head. Now the problem is that I don't know whether it'll be yaoi or not. If it's yaoi, that means Iruka will be involved (I really like him for some reason). ...okay I'm not explaining correctly.

I don't need Iruka as part of the story, BUT what I really need to decide is whether the story will be mpreg or not. That and I have to pick someone other than Kakashi or another Konoha shinobi to be his lover. And I don't know who to pick or what to do. If there is no mpreg, Hinata is going to be involved and I think I might have yaoi anyway but it won't really be for a while. I don't know what to do. Stupid plotbunnies. Maybe I should work on Weird. That's been bothering me for a while.

Now if only my hair stopped itching!

New Fic: Magical Epiphanies

2007-11-09T22:09:44Z

*falls to the ground crying* I can write. As God as my witness! *sobs* I can write again! I didn't think I'd ever be able to at the rate I was going but I did. I did the second chapter for Silver Heart and now this!

*stands* Now bow down before me infidels. You have never seen a Harry Potter story quite like this before (actually you probably have but this is my idea). Tia, since you know, no telling. *snickers*

The fic name may change and if I can get to the third chapter of this, I'll post it on Fanfiction.net.

Tell me what you think.

By the way, uh...check to see if my writing has changed slightly. It feels different to me.

Title: Magical Epiphanies
Author: Alia D
Rating: R
Part: 1/?
Spoilers: ALL SEVEN BOOKS
Disclaimer: I'd have made more than one character gay if I owned it. *laughs evilly*
Warnings: language, humor?, a small bit of character bashing
Summary: Severus has an epiphany. What will come of this realization?

Magical Epiphanies

Of all the stupid places to have an epiphany, Severus had to have it then. The potions master knew that people across the world and over time have had similar instances in probably much stranger places. It wasn't as if Severus suddenly had his epiphany on the loo of all places. Thankfully his luck and shaky mental stability kept him from that bit of stupidity and shame.

No, the new Headmaster of Hogwarts had to have his epiphany after yet another long never ending rant from Minerva about betraying Albus (who is hopefully watching lemon drops burn to a crisp in hell), the Order of the Phoenix (who never gave a damn about him anyway), and Hogwarts (may the fucking school someday burn to the ground with all his precious memories). Nevermind the fact that Severus could probably have her killed just because he was bored.

He had to give it to the Gryffindors. They were brave, no matter how stupid they were at the same time.

But nevertheless, as he sat there in Albus's former chair, glaring at the silent portrait of the old bastard while listening to Minerva walk back and forth in his new office waving her arms around and bitching at him, Severus realized that he didn't want to die. Especially not after living a life like this. As he heard an American say once, Severus had gotten the shaft from Life in the worst way.

"Are you listening to me?" screamed Minerva as she turned angry flashing eyes at him. Severus wished she was a cat right then. He'd kick her clear across the room with as much strength as he could muster.

"Were you saying something, Minerva?" He instantly realized that wasn't the smartest thing to say as she started yelling once again. Oh well. At least it wasn't Filius. It had hurt seeing the cold, angry stare the small man had given him.

Severus, trying to block out Minerva's verbal assaults, realized that he didn't want to die after living such an awful life. He felt that he deserved better after all of this. Sure he'd gone to Voldemort, became a Death Eater, was responsible for more deaths than he had ever wanted to know, tortured his students continuously over the years (like the other professors who were much more subtle about it), and was a bastard in general. Severus would admit that he had done a lot to ruin his own life, but still.

He rolled his eyes discreetly and watched at least half the portraits on the walls quietly leave for other areas of the castle. Some had gone to sleep, a few were watching Minerva in amusement, and one had even had the nerve to start taking notes on the insults the woman was shrieking at him like some banshee.

Severus glowered at Minerva, who completely missed the look because she was, thankfully, shifting her ire elsewhere for the moment. Apparently the woman was starting to lose it because she had actually started shouting about Dumbledore's stupidity in trusting a backstabbing Death Eater. Severus didn't even blink although he could swear that the man in the portrait had paled.

The new Headmaster wished that he could be far, far away at that moment with a new life. He didn't even have to have magic although he considered it a great bonus. He wished that he didn't have to listen to Minerva or the other teachers and students voice his evil everyday. He wished he wasn't Voldemort's bitch also, though he'd never be up to Lucius's former caliber. He wished he didn't have Dumbledore's stupid plan on his shoulders either.

Especially since said plan would probably go wrong and get him killed. Albus might not have realized that, but Severus knew the old man was far from perfect. Merlin knows after all the things the old fool had done over the years to the children and adults under his care and leadership proved that.

Severus sighed silently as he kept his eyes on the Transfiguration professor. Even if he did live, what would his life be like after the war? If Potter actually did manage to get rid of their shared pain in the arse? It wouldn't be pleasant. Severus would have to be stupid to think otherwise. He wouldn't even be able to disappear because Dumbledore's word or not, Severus was going to be crucified if the Wizarding World had anything to do with it.

He shook his head. For all that Dumbledore knew, Severus had to wonder if the man knew people as well as he thought he did.

/No use crying about spilled milk, I suppose./ Severus had accepted his death for sometime now. Which was rather pathetic all things considering. He didn't want to be the coward Lily's bastard son had accused him of being, but here he was giving up on another part of his life again. He was always either giving up or running away because finding a better solution never did him a bit of good. Look at what happened when he joined the Death Eaters. /Some decision that was./ Severus thought bitterly.

Such a shame really. That he was going to die and he really didn't want to. Oh he didn't want to have a family and fame had lost its sparkle ages ago. He just wanted to live somewhere quietly.

Severus tried to shift his mind in another direction only to meet the same stone wall in his mind. He really, really didn't want to die. He wanted to live his life and live in preferably in his own way. Severus then frowned in thought. He looked down at his wand and wondered.

If he was a wizard, and he was a damn good one because you would have to be to become one of Voldemort's elite, then why couldn't he get himself out of this fucking situation?

The dark haired wizard, whose hair would probably stark white by the time the year was over, leaned back in his chair. He could of course, but the amount of dark magic that it would take... Severus snorted causing Minerva to pause and narrow her eyes and continue in a darker tone of voice. He didn't know why dark magic would bother him after all he'd seen and done in the last two wars.

So what could he do? Well he would have to go about starting a new life obviously. That could be handled two ways. He could pretend to lose his memories, which would unfortunately still leave him with an insane amount of enemies. After Voldemort, he was number two on everyone's hit list. Or, he could find a way to live a proper new life. Of course he'd have to be extremely careful. It would require a great deal of effort to do so. In all honesty, Severus wouldn't even be able to use a glamor for fear that someone would come after him. He would have to change his DNA completely, which was an insane idea. And not only that, but his magic as well.

Blinking, Severus was startled by the fact that he was actually trying to come up with a way to not only survive the war, because the potions master was sure more and more that he was going to die, but to live a good life while he was at it. /I must be out of my mind. What a ridiculous idea./ And it really was too preposterous to be at all rational.

But as he sat there, the idea wouldn't leave Severus's mind. His eyes lost focus, looking beyond Minerva's ranting and the Headmaster's office. Was he actually contemplating something this stupid?

"GOD DAMN YOU SNAPE! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?" screamed McGonagal.

"Minerva," said the preoccupied Headmaster. "Do you not have a class right now?"

Seething, Minerva threw him one last glare before stomping out of the room.

Severus calmly took a piece of paper from the stack at his right and grabbed a quill. He began writing down keywords for the books he would need to find later. And not only in the school's library, but the Malfoy library, Voldemort's library, and Severus's personal library.

He smiled genuinely at the idea of researching. If nothing else it would keep him busy.

An explosion went off. Severus glowered and wondered what the idiots had done this time. /Make that busier./

Alia: So what do you think?

Silver Heart 2a...I guess. I'll straighten them out later.

2007-11-07T23:30:04Z

Consider the part I post before as part b, okay? I know it's odd but you should be happy that I'm writing any damn way. If things keep up like this. I might do the first part of my Harry Potter idea. Maybe. I'm trying to be optimistic but not stupid.

So wish me luck kiddies!

Title: Silver Heart 2a/?
Author: Alia D
Rating: PG13... I guess...
Warnings: yaoi, angst, violence

Silver Heart

"You'll never leave me, right Riku?" Sora bit his lower lip nervously as he looked at the other boy.

The seven year old silver haired boy sat across from him with a small smile playing on his lips. Riku's gentle eyes were focused solely on Sora, despite their shadowed surroundings. The boy's hands were slowly rubbing warmth into his bare feet. Like Sora, Riku was in pajamas.

"Of course not. I promised I wouldn't." He shook his head. Sora could tell the boy thought the question was silly.

"Even when I'm bad?" he asked hesistantly. Riku had been angry after the fight he'd had with Wakka. He hadn't even spoken to Sora after seeing the bruise on the older boy's face.

Riku seemed to know what he was talking about. He raised a hand and ruffled Sora's wild hair. "Even when you're bad. Besides, it's not often when you get really mad."

Sora quieted for a minute and stared at his friend. He wanted to believe that but Sora knew that if Riku wasn't nearby the slightest thing would set Sora's temper off. Sora's eyes turned even sadder causing Riku to stare at his friend in concern before leaning forward.

"You're my best friend. I'd never leave you," said Riku as he hugged the other boy.

"You..." Sora blushed. Puppy eyes dropped to his twisting fingers before looking back at Riku. "You love me don't you?"

"Of course," was the automatic answer.

Sora frowned, not particularly happy with that. He'd see two different types of love. There was his family's love and Riku's family's love. He wanted what he saw between Riku's parents and Riku. Not what he saw at home.

Shifting forward quickly, Sora pressed a dry kiss to Riku's cheek, surprising the beautiful boy. Riku blushed and raised a hand to his cheek. "S-sora?"

The brunette grinned. Riku was older but sometimes... "I love you too Riku." Sora declared. "And we'll always be together."

Riku smiled and nodded. "Yes. And we'll protect each other no matter what." There was something in Riku's eyes that Sora didn't quite understand but he trusted completely.

A determined gleam shone in Sora's own eyes. "Yeah. Always." He leaned forward again, much to a blushing Riku's surprise, and puckered his lips.

A sudden angry roar startled both boys. It sounded like something from a lion, but was very different. Sora watched Riku's head snap to the side and his eyes widen. A pale, frightened face turned back to Sora. The younger boy couldn't hear what his best friend shouted at him, but he could read the words on Riku's lips.

"RUN, SORA!"

Sora snapped up from the wall of the cave, his scream stuck in his throat and a hand automatically going to his chest. He curled over into himself, scared, no, terrified at something he didn't understand.

Blinking frantically, Sora threw himself back against the cave wall breathing heavily as he stared out into the slowly dimming light around him. "What was that?" he whispered to himself as he slowly regained his composure. His brows furrowed in confusion as he tried to recall the more than half forgotten dream.

All Sora could remember was that one moment of intense fear before waking. That and something else. Sora pressed his shaky hand to his lips. He'd kissed someone, or he'd been kissed. /Kiari?/ Sora wondered. /Is she in danger?/

Confused, and growing more worried by the moment, Sora stood unsteadily and headed toward home. He didn't know where Kiari was and found himself needing to talk to the girl quickly.

@@@@@@ (Alia: Man I know I have a few people damning me and Sora right about now.)

"Kiari!"

The red headed girl turned around with a smile. She'd been just about to leave the dock and head home. She raised a hand and waved at the boat headed toward her. "Sora!"

The boy grinned at seeing her safe and sound. His heart beat a little faster as she moved to meet him. Sora loved how Kiari was always happy to see him, always greeting him with her beautiful smile. Riku had been right. Sora was lucky to have a girlfriend like Kiari. She was perfect to him and for him.

"She always makes you smile" is what Riku had told him when he had planned to confess to Kiari. And since Riku was usually right, Sora didn't find any excuse to argue with his friend.

"I thought you'd be home by now." Kiari stepped closer to Sora.

The boy blushed and cleared his throat. He raised a hand and rubbed the back of his head. "Uh yeah. I was suppose to be home an hour ago." He laughed. "I fell asleep in our cave."

"Riku didn't wake you?" she asked. Riku and Sora were usually together after all. Their relationship grew even closer after Riku returned from the darkness, although there were times Riku would become very distant with him. It had happened again lately, but everyone put that down to him giving her and Sora space for their new relationship.

Sora sighed. "I was a bit sore that he won earlier. He said he'd let me have my space to sulk." He pouted and muttered, "I don't sulk."

Kiari giggled. She kissed Sora on the cheek and smiled at the goofy grin on his face. "It's alright, Sora. Besides, you're cute when you sulk."

"Hey!" Sora lunged at Kiari only for her to take off running toward her home, leaving her boyfriend to run after her.

Of course, neither saw the figure heading away from the happy scene.

TBC

Alia: And that's the end of 2A. You already saw 2B probably. But read this one first. I might fix it later.

At least I'm writing...that's something right?

2007-11-07T06:48:04Z

Life loves me, so that's why she's being a bitch at times. Anyway, here's an update on things. So I'm starting antidepressants. It won't last long. I've taken one pill and I'm already thinking of quitting. I was comfortable with the idea but now I just don't like it.

I had decided to leave school for the semester but things didn't go as planned and I had a fight with Mommy Dearest. Not the best thing to call her really, but she REALLY FUCKING PISSED ME OFF. So I'm staying home. Thankfully we got things cleared up.

I'm working at the dorm over the Thanksgiving weekend. I'm not upset about not going home. I'm just sad I can't see my siblings or the new puppies. I really wanted to see how big Little Girl has gotten too.

But the good thing that is happening is that I actually feel like writing. And I did. *sobs* I did! THANK YOU GOD!!! *does quick run around room waving arms* *stops* *shakes head and mutters curses* *sits back at computer*

And because I'm only getting fantastic support from me, myself, and I...well and my best friend, God, my counselor, and my psychiatrist, I was able to do this. A somewhat second part to 'Silver Heart'. This is unfinished probably, but I think I'll end up just doing short installments. We'll see.

Silver Heart Part 2

Title: Silver Heart
Part: 2/?
Author: Alia D
Rating: PG13
Warnings: Angst
Summary: See Part One!

Sitting in the sand, hidden by the shadow of the Paopu fruit tree, Riku stared out silently in the ocean. His right knee was pulled up to his chest while his other leg was sprawled out in front of him. His right hand was buried in the sand beside him, clenched in a tight fist. The skin was slowly giving way to the sharp nails, but this went unnoticed to the silver haired boy.

Riku's unfocused eyes watched the repetitive beat of the ocean waves as the pushed and pulled the salty water toward land. The chilled air blew over Riku's bare arms but garnered no response from the boy, except the involuntary rise of goosebumps from his skin. Even as the wind picked up around him, Riku didn't pay attention to the silver strands that whipped into his face, a few nearly stricking into his eyes.

His attention was focused inward and so entirely concentrated that nothing else would catch the young man's attention for some time. It was a desperate attempt of Riku's that often repeated itself but today had to be the absolute worst of it all. A clench of a jaw was the only movement made as Riku continued to fix things.

It was stupid really, but he knew he had to try something. Because all he was getting out of the situation was more hurt added on to the emotional pain he was suffering from. Yet at the same time, he was grateful for it.

If Riku just concentrated on the constricting pain in his chest, then he wouldn't have to worry about the rest that had followed. He wouldn't have to worry about the sad gasp of pain that would escape from him. He wouldn't have to worry about the wet feeling growing in his eyes, or the stuffy feeling that would clog up his throat.

He wouldn't have to worry about the feeling of running into the ocean and never coming out of the water and it's soft lullabies. He wouldn't have to worry about the reason he was feeling this way and how it always made the pains before it that much worse.

Riku didn't want to breakdown. He had after all accepted it before anything had been realized and made concrete. So he shouldn't be crying over a broken heart or an unrequited love. It was ridiculous really.

The wind picked up more this time and a soft thud was heard behind Riku, and a little to his left. Although his eyes remained unfocused, his attention was caught by the noise. Moving his head slowly, as if time was shifting around him, Riku turned to see a star shaped fruit that had fallen from the tree.

He smiled bitterly. Even when he'd been little, he'd known who he wanted to share that fruit with. He'd even told his parents once, garnering a wide eyed look from his dad and a grin from his mom. A strong optimistic child, he always believed that things would work out with his silly dream of him being with Sora forever.

Of course things never do work out well. Especially not in the way he'd imagined.

Finally back in touch with the world, Riku sighed, reached back, and picked up the bruised fruit. He stared at it, letting his thumb run over the curves and edges. "And to think," he whispered, his voice slightly hoarse, "I had such great hopes for you." He shook his head.

There weren't many things Riku wished he could change. There was one big thing, such as him going to darkness, but that situation had been uncontrollable. A series of unfortunate events one could say. But Riku did regret never letting Sora know that he had romantic feelings for the brunette. No way would Riku mention it now. It would only screw with Sora's head and emotions.

Riku couldn't bring himself to do that. Sora looked so happy now that he and Kiari were together. No reason to drag Riku's issues into the light.

He did realize that he would always be with Sora. Even when they were older and had their own lives, when Sora married Kiari, and Riku continued to live alone. He and Sora would always be together even if they were just friends. Besides, he'd always have a part of Sora. Riku snorted at the thought and rubbed his chest. Oh yes, he'd always have a part of Sora to love and cherish, even if it only caused him pain and made him want more.

The teenager stood, not bothering to brush the sand from his clothes. Aqua eyes peered down at the fruit that Riku shifted to hold in both hands. Using his thumb and forefinger, Riku pulled off a piece of the paopu fruit. Blowing off any sand that may have remained on the fruit, he ate the small piece with a small smile. His eyes changed quickly as he swallowed and looked down at the rest of the fruit.

"I don't suppose," he whispered painfully over the wind, "that I need you." Riku then tilted his head to the side with an amused smile that lacked enthusiasm. "But maybe..." He stopped and snorted. "What a stupid idea." He stared out into the ocean.

The weight of the fruit seemed to grow heavier in his hand the longer he held it. Shaking his head, still rather taken back at the hopelessly romantic idea that had made it's way into his head, Riku lifted the fruit and let his arm fall back over his shoulder.

"This is stupid. But seeing what love has made me do over the years..."

Riku let the paopu fruit fly into the air, and then out into the ocean waters. He knew it wouldn't go anywhere. Probably just sink to the bottom, killing his foolish hope with it. But maybe, one day it would get to someone meant to love Riku. Not as a friend but as a lover. Maybe he wouldn't be alone.

The pain in his chest amplified for a moment before dying. Riku turned and headed home.

TBC

alia_d @ 2007-10-25T09:50:00

2007-10-25T13:52:14Z

I hate poetry. Why? Because I suck at it. Poetry always seems to take a deep point of emotions that some people need to write it.

I always did better with writing because I felt all I had to do was express my own strange imagination. Not the case today.

It's been shitty couple of days kiddies and I actually wrote a poem to describe it. I can never speak as well as write words. So maybe if I've confused anyone on why I'm so screwed up lately, you'll understand now.

Windows Are Always Dirty

She was killing her and all I could do was watch.

The squish of the knife took my warped mind to the cell block tango as a sharp slap echoed around us.

She was killing her and I wasn't doing anything.

Around us, the crimson flow of blood fell from them, hitting the floor like red drops of rain. I saw it growing and slowly stretching toward my feet. My eyes filled as I watched it cover my toes.

She was killing her... Why wasn't I...

She never made a sound. She didn't want to give the bitch the satisfaction, but she was dying anyway. What would it matter soon?

She was killing her and I was so helpless.

A pained look sat on the killer's face but she never stopped her beating, her cutting, her sneered words as they cut into the girl deeper than the white pearl handled knife could.

She was killing her. I opened my mouth and lost an ignored sob. It died faster than the girl before me.

The girl swayed, blood covering her clothes before she steadied herself. Her eyes stared at her killer with a faltering determination. But like her it tried to keep standing, even as the blood volume grew.

She was killing her. My trembling lips released a strangled, gasped word. "Sto-," My throat closed.

The killer glared, her own pain obvious. "Fight me! Fight me you stupid whore! Don't just stand there!" The girl didn't move then, but she flinched as she was slapped across her already bruised face.

She was killing her. Tears broke from me, slid down filthy skin and fell to the ground. They joined with the blood already there.

She was killing her! She was killing her! Why wasn't I doing anything?! Why wasn't she doing anything?!

DIDN'T SOMEONE SEE THEM! DIDN'T SOMEONE SEE ME!!!

She was killing her.

I stilled, a calm taking over as the girl closed her eyes. She swayed and didn't catch herself.

She was killing her.

The murderer stepped back, her red hand over her chest. "Get up. Please get up." She pleaded softly.

She was killing her...

"I don't want to fight..." I whispered as I stared at them. "But I can't...Not yet..."

My female Thanatos stared at me before looking at the girl at her feet. The victim stood slowly and nodded to me before turning back to her killer.

"Are you ready to start again?" she asked.

Raising the knife again, the other girl nodded. "Yes. Will you fight?"

Both looked at me, before turning to each other.

"It's too soon to fight. But I don't plan to give up."

"Good." She raised the knife to start anew.

She was killing her...

She was killing me...

I was killing her...

I was killing me...

All this....AND I STILL CAN'T WRITE DAMNIT!!!!

2007-10-25T03:46:32Z

I'm so damn sick of this happening. You know why depression sucks? Because you have damn good ideas and can't write the damn things!

I have two good story ideas. One is HP and I'm working on the Kingdom Hearts idea I had (which I need a beta for probably). Problem is that every time I try to write the damn things, I can't!

Bad enough I'm losing it on a good day, this happens! I need to start drinking. Maybe that's it. I haven't had a stiff drink in a while. *sighs* Maybe I need to get out more. I'm not hanging out with my friends like I used to (not that they're fucking here. Don't know why they'd want me as a friend anyway).

...I'm gonna stop this. I'm just getting more and more pissed off and I don't know why!

although...IT COULD BE BECAUSE I CAN'T FIND ANY GOOD FUCKING FANFICTION!!!! NOT YAOI OR HET (and that's saying something for me folks!).

...Yeah...Maybe I do need to drink. Should have gotten something at Walmart.

I'm getting out of here. It can't be healthy to try and throw your computer into the wall.

Denial leave me alone!

2007-10-14T23:18:07Z

I don't like denial. Do you want to know why? Because she's always making you think everything is better and it's not. Okay so I'm not actually suffering from denial. It's just that over this break I was feeling better then last night I was having my mental hissy fits. Not good. I'm mentally violent (I know this has to be confusing) and I have to restrain myself from becoming physically violent. You know, throwing shit around, stomping on things, screaming, losing my temper which usually isn't an easy thing to do.

Maybe I need to get drunk. Just drunk off my ass! But that wouldn't work because if I got drunk...I'm not sure how good I would be in my current state of mind. At least I haven't had anymore scratch craving episodes. God I hate that. I think I scared my psychiatrist over at the Health Center when I told her about wanting to scratch at my throat. *shrugs* Probably the reason she's so insistent on giving me meds. lol. Oh I can't wait to tell my counselor at the center that one... Huh... I wonder if this is what my counselor meant by mocking myself. *snorts*

I actually did start on my dress. I cut out a piece... LOL. One piece. But I'm gonna at least do a couple tomorrow. I have a midterm first thing though. And I need to tell my teacher that I'm...That I have a few issues. Still need to work on that.

Damn. I need to get a blue book tonight or I'm screwed. Maybe I can give my roommate the money to go to the library. As much as I love it, my hermititis has kicked in and I REALLY REALLY don't want to leave the dorm room. *sighs* I need ice cream but it made me sick the last time I ate it.

My feet are cold. Yeah. My hands too. Stupid tree, blocking out all the damn sunlight! ... God I am so messed up. I'm gonna order out and curl up in my bed and pretend that I'm not being stressed and that none of this is happening. Oh yeah, did I mention that our dog had another litter of puppies? Maybe I'll put up a couple pictures when I get them.

They're coming to take me away

2007-10-11T07:32:58Z

I have to be completely nuts...but I'm gonna tell my dad about my depression tomorrow. I'm also gonna tell him that I went to see one of the psychiatrists at the Student Health Center. She wants to put me on meds and I'm REALLY iffy about that sort of thing. And I'm considering this a boost to at least tell him.

I don't want my mom to know. At this moment in time, I'm of the frame of mind that it's none of her damn business. Because she can't handle things like this well. Not at all. She always moans about it being her fault (which gives me even less incentive to tell her shit than I already have!). To this day I don't' think I've forgiven her for not calming me down when my fucking trigger hit over a year ago.

She tried to say that she wanted me to see our pastor. Do I even need to insert a proper sneer? Are you fucking kidding me? Now I'm not saying that Pastor can't help. He's a good man (from what I've seen) and I respect him because he can interpret that Bible like nobody else! But if God ain't telling him my business then he doesn't need to know my business. I can't say why it bothers me, maybe because I respect him, but I ain't see him for the problems in my head. Hell no! That's between me, God, Jesus, my counselor, and my therapist. There ain't no more spaces to take up in the group.

Now, it is officially fall break here at school. I'm going to start on my dress tomorrow (I mean it this time) and I think I may have to truck to Walmart to get some materials. So here's hoping things get better. Because I do not want to take meds. Good God NO!

I LOVE COLLEGE!

2007-10-10T09:36:54Z

I have to say that no matter what, I'm happy I came to college. No for the education. To hell with that. I'm failing anyway. What I mean to say is the experiences you get at college, you will get no where else. Let me expand my meaning.

We had a black out in the dorms late at night at about one in the morning two nights ago. Being college students, the majority of us were still awake. And this is where things go really stupid.

We had girls in the dorms playing flash light tag down the hallways, guys starting fires on the front steps of one dorm, streakers down on the pedestrian walk and by the amphitheater, a dance party in the courtyard, and a small junk food party at the front desk of one dorm.

People were carrying around flashlight, cell phones, and laptops for light. And even as I read back, it might not seem like much, but it was still all fucking hilarious. I love college.

I need a vacation from life...and maybe matches and gasoline...

2007-10-08T15:48:53Z

I'm so fucking sick of this. The one damn week I actually need to speak to my counselor and I ain't even seeing the girl this week. WTF?!?!?!

I have been on a streak of messed up since last night. Don't know how it started or why it happened, but...well the self harm stuff is trying to come back. It's not bad. There aren't any scratches or anything tearing down my arm (and hopefully won't be there if I have anything to say about it...) and I haven't put any scratches or anything on my neck either.

I'm in a really shitty mood though. I'm hoping that no one know how bad.

I nearly had a panic attack today when I was trying to get things done. My hands were shaking and I wanted to cry. God, I can't take this. I just...I never wanted to give in before as much as I did last night/ this morning. I just wanted to stop fighting and it's never been that bad before.

I need to speak to the psychiatrist as soon as possible. I got really scared today. And I need to talk to the Spanish department. I'm so fucked it's not funny. We'll see if they can help me when they realize I'm slowly going the way of the dodo.

By the way, is it bad if you have sudden violent urges against your alarm clock? This is the first time I've had one of those. I seriously almost tore the damn thing apart. Good thing my roommate was here.

In a brighter note, I have actually started on my dress. Will wonders never cease right? Unfortunately, no one told me I had to wash the material first. So I'm going to get that done quickly. We'll when I'm stable. I actually do feel better although my suitemate is currently telling her slut of a roommate (her words, not mine) to get up. ...UGH!!!!!

Pondering...

2007-09-30T05:08:14Z

I'm really wondering if I should do another video as a continuation for the whole 'Yami is Mine' and 'My Favorite Girl'. I think people are still rather aggravated that I even had the balls to break up Yami and Yugi. I didn't mean to though. I am serious when I say that it honestly just happened. I didn't realize what was happening at first. But the song hadn't ended yet and I hate cutting them off. So I kept going. ...Then the Isley Brothers mysteriously made their way into Movie Maker and the next thing I know, Yugi is knockin boots with Kaiba (not that that's a bad thing normally, especially with Yami in the mix) and Yami and Tea coming in through the door!

So maybe I should do a continuation. People like both videos. I just need to figure out what to do. My imagination has a full time job. lol

And saying that, I just came up with a fanfic idea to torture the YuGiOh crew with! I'm going to do my absolute favorite fairy tale with a prideshipping mpreg twist. Mwahaha - *coughs* Stupid *coughs coughs* Sinusitis!

I guess I'm ready and set, but should I go?

2007-09-30T02:23:22Z

Walmart is evil.

Now that that's said, I went to Walmart today to get the material for my dress. *ignores snickering readers* I was completely clueless of what to do but at the same time having an idea. I bought black and white material and may go back for more if I need to this weekend.

I found a pattern (I love you Stacie, even if I get on your nerves) that is closely matched to my dress. It's really simple and I may just use this pattern for the dress altogether. I'm still using long sleeves though.

Right now, I'm just contemplating the mess I'm making of my life. I have to wonder if one counseling session is enough each week.

YES!!!...I think?

2007-09-28T22:42:38Z

Anyway, I'm so happy! I got both my yaoi manga and my T-shirt from Gesshoku Designs! Both came fast along with my Agatha Christie novel 'And Then There Were None'. I finished the book in two or three hours. I laughed at some of the deaths. Shame on me. I'm just waiting for my other mystery novel to arrive. This one has Poirot (*dances*). If shipping was cheaper, I'd go net crazy with books. I can barely control myself as is!

Here's a pic of my t-shirt:

You can get a shirt like this on their site.

I'm also getting ready for Halloween. I don't know where this urge is coming from but I'm going to try and make a Gothic Lolita costume for Halloween and The Rocky Horror Picture Show (my college has the event every Halloween weekend; so if you see strangely dressed people (Frankenfurter) no surprise, right?). I'm going to library right after that too. Someone suggested that the librarians would love it. Considering that my college's librarians dressed as a group for a Harry Potter movie, there shouldn't be any problems. lol.

I'm going this weekend to get the materials to make it. I'm decent at sewing and I can try and look for a couple of design patterns. Hopefully I can do this, even if I'm still trying to decide on the bodice. I'm going to have some busy moments ahead. I wonder if they'll let me sew at work. I can say it's for design or something.

I found a Gothic Lolita pic so you guys can see what I mean. I fell in love with this style automatically (that and blame Princess Princess anime. Nothing better than a boy in a dress!) so no one laugh at me. If I do the dress, I'll take a pic so everyone can see it. I like sewing so this should be interesting...God that is such a girl thing to say. 'I like sewing!'

Gothic Lolita:

Well it's been confirmed...damn.

2007-09-26T01:55:41Z

So I went to the Counseling Center and I was confirmed to be depressed. I matched 7 out of the 9 textbook definitions and my counselor had spoken with her supervisor just to make sure. So that kinda sucks. But I'm not at all surprised. I guess I've been suspecting it for a while.

What is surprising is that my best friend isn't surprised. She says (and I haven't seen it but you don't see it when you're in it) that considering all the pressure I'm under, she's not surprised it got triggered last year. Everyone knows when my bad period was if you're reading this. I'm referring to the fall and winter season of last year when I didn't write a damn thing! IE: When I had stopped submitting for Time, Truth, and Sacrifice.

She also said that she thinks my mom had something to do with it. I asked her what she meant and she didn't want to say. THAT is scary. My best friend is noted for saying whatever the hell she wants to say so if she's quiet that's worrying. But again, I'm not surprise. That's terrifying. I don't want to be mad at my mom for anything. She's always been a good parent.

So I just wanted to write this down. And for the readers of my fanfic, I have a treat for you guys! I'm doing two summaries: one for HP and one for KH. The HP one is of course mpreg and that might be a BIG maybe for Kingdom Hearts (well not that big ^_^). The KH story is more planned than HP but I'll at least get the first chapter of HP and the second and third chapter of KH out.

So not everything is bad. All I need to do is take one step at a time. So wish me luck okay...AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THE STORIES AFTER THEY'RE OUT.

I love the Weekends!!!

2007-09-23T21:47:24Z

So things started to get way better for me on Friday. I have been (somewhat) diagnosed with depression by my college's Counseling Center but I've gotten to deal with that.

Since I was probably failing Spanish, I decided to turn to an online class. I have to extend my student loan but that will fine. I just need to graduate. I then ordered my t-shirt (Yaoi, taste the sensation) from a group called Gesshou. It's cute and hopefully the shirt fits fine.

I do have to kick my buddy, Danny's butt though. He almost forgot to call me to go to the event in the courtyard! One of our dorms was having a little party with 1 liter drinks (Danny said there were about 300 bottles) and mentos. You put the mentos in the bottle and close the top. Afterward you shake them up and toss the sucker as far and as high as you can. The bottle will explode and soda will fly everywhere, usually turning the bottle into a rocket!

I participated after nearly getting hit by a bottle rocket. There had only been one girl going for it and me and another girl decided to join in. It was great! I got sprayed at least twice by other people trying to set up their mentos bottles and my first bottle sprayed prematurely. It still burst when it landed though. Both of mine did. I got the second one right because some friendly guys helped me. Boys aren't always bright, but they can be so sweet sometimes! I took a broken bottle cap as a remember all.

Then there was the football game! It was great! And we actually won this time!!! WOOO!!! I love it when they shoot firecrackers everytime we score.

Last thing though. Today, I ordered a yaoi manga and two agatha christie books from Amazon. Like the first time I ever did an online order other than my shirt. I'm so excited!

So now I'm going on facebook to play mafia. Hopefully I win. I make a damn good mafia! lol